I was a skinny kid. Like knobby-kneed, scrawny kinda kid...until about second grade. I can see in my school pictures that my face gets rounder, but for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight.
In grade school, I remember being bummed that I couldn't wear certain clothes, luckily M.C Hammer parachute pants were popular! Seriously! Anyways, I am lucky in the fact that I don't have a story of being bullied or getting made fun of for being bigger. Thinking back, I'm VERY blessed, because the school I went to was very cliquish. I always had close friends and never really felt left out. One of them is still my BFF, Tara.
By 6th grade and the noticing of how cute boys were, I started to slim down. I NEVER thought that I slimmed down during any of this, but I'm going by my pictures and clothing sizes back then. I always felt overweight and big. Even getting weighed in gym class in 8th grade, I can remember wanting to cry because they didn't do it in "private" for us...I weighed 124lbs and still thought I was way too heavy....
From 7th grade on, I had a steady boyfriend. I know that seems ridiculous, but I did. We were together for years, and that meant security for me. We were comfortable and that meant I could eat what I wanted. That meant weight gain. By graduation, I was a size 16, which is huge in school. Even after graduation, being comfortable in a relationship, I feel, kept me from trying to lose weight.
I have been with my husband for 10 years now...I am definitely comfortable with him, but can't blame him for why I haven't lost weight. He always supports me when I make healthy efforts. He loves to exercise and eat right. Over the years, he has become less healthy due to NOT doing those things. I have gained almost 60 pounds since we met. He loves me for who I am, but I don't want to get any more comfortable with my weight...
The conclusion I have made over the years, is that I am a "happy" eater. I do not eat when I am upset, depressed, angry, or sad. I eat when I am happy and comfortable. I eat to reward myself for anything accomplished. If I think about it....I am way overweight, but in my case...doesn't that mean that I've lived a pretty happy life????
Attaching food to emotion, whether it be happy or sad, is never a good thing. I am having to make huge efforts to change my thoughts, because now, more than ever, I feel secure and comfortable with who I am. I am secure in my marriage, I am thrilled to be a Mom (most of the time), I love my family, I have friends that I can be totally "me" around, BUT it shouldn't mean, "oh good, I can eat what I want". It should mean, "For my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, I will respect myself enough to live a healthier life and refuse to gain weight just because I am comfortable" Who says you can't be happy and healthy, right?